tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46014257801786476352024-03-12T19:58:53.323-07:00Pedazos de mi corazonCharlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-53961469895939353822010-07-27T10:56:00.000-07:002010-07-27T10:57:07.384-07:00Ca to me, July 26, 2010- "Mom, Would you please stop repeating yourself? You are becoming Autistic."Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-71322669997023959262010-07-11T11:17:00.000-07:002010-07-11T11:17:18.429-07:00We like..... .S,<br />
You might not remember and you might not know how much, younger brother, you have meant to me. The reader will capture it with just one moment in time. <br />
Summer, 1998, Oceanside, California<br />
My kids fell asleep, you did not have any yet. You invited the neighbours over. After they left and J and G fell asleep, you and I talked and talked and had enough to drink to fill 2 oceans. The hangover the next morning on our way to Mexico was the worst I ever had.<br />
I asked you one question," If anything happens to us, will you and J take care of Ca and Co?"<br />
At that point in time because of rigidity issues, Ca only ate pizza. You responded with three words.<br />
"We like pizza."Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-20036480218429624922010-07-11T10:01:00.000-07:002010-07-11T10:01:48.705-07:00"As it was in the beginning it is in the end."Co, Today on July 7, 2010, you coaxed me into the ocean, my favorite place. I remember holding both you and your sister in my arms while the waves crashed in Maine. Neither of you ever wanted to come out.I remember teaching you how to body surf with boogy boards and then without. Your Uncle Scott taught you how to dive into the waves that were going to crash on you in California. He also swooped both of you up when a dangerous wave came that could have carried you out.<br />
Today you said," I am going in. Are you?" So I went.Being seriously ill , I am not afraid with you, you lifeguard. You taught me all over again how to dive into the waves that were going to crash. I had forgotten and you know why. We swam far out. I asked you, " Co, Why are there warm spots here?" You replied, "What do you think I am ,a science nurd?" Then you said, "I can stand here." You had said that to me two years before. You are taller than I am. I tried and failed. You laughed at my naivete. Then you said, "I can drown," It was so funny. Do you remember?<br />
Do you remember the night of July 4th when your Dad and sister were asleep and you and I went to watch the fireworks in Ogunuquit? How old were you? I left my keys someplace in the sand as we moved closer to see the fireworks. How you ended up finding them, I will never know. Do you remember the night at the Cliff House when you and I were the only ones awake and we sat on the balcony and watched the fireflies?<br />
Years ago, when we actually had 2 whole weeks in Maine, it rained almost every day. When it was finally almost sunny we looked for starfish. We could not find any. You were desolate. I told you that before we left we would find a starfish. And we did. You lost your shoe when we crossed the river to where the starfish rolled in. You were so upset about losing things. Please read my entry on my experience with things.<br />
July 7, 2010- " You know, Co, I have not ridden a wave in in such a long time." So we tried and failed and I said," I think we are going to have to wait until August to catch that wave." We'll catch it today, Mom," you replied. So we did, and we rode that wave all the way back to Massachusetts.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-77273467911752859122010-06-29T06:14:00.000-07:002010-07-27T10:32:06.593-07:00"Mommy, I'm hot and thirsty and I might like a swim."Ogunquit, Maine has always been our favorite beach. When you were litttle we did more than surf, swim, ride the waves in, go crabbing, watch the starfish roll in at low tide, clam, and go for long walks. One day when Ca, you were three and Co , you were two, we went to the York Zoo. Dad took you, Co, and Ca, I took you. <br />
It had been raining, but then it turned into a really hot muggy day. We had been walking for about 45 minutes. We came upon the crocodile cage.He had a nice pool to swim in and it was not chorinated so it would have been good to drink too.Ca, you were a climber. You could climb anything. The crocodile's cage was made out of glass. I turned my head for one second and you were halfway up it.You did not underdtand the word, "no," yet and you definitely did not understand danger. Since you were able to retrace your steps and find anywhere from the age of one, I got you down, picked you up , was lucky enough to find Papi and your sister and ran all the way to the car.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-88042666869081786162010-06-29T04:11:00.000-07:002010-07-02T04:07:42.834-07:00" Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." ShakespeareI am Mad!!!<br />
When we first moved to the Un ited Sates into Grammy's house, your grandparents hired a nanny for me after 6 months when I went to nursery school with you, Ca, and had to heartwrenchingly leave you behind, Co. E came at around 8 and left a little bit after lunch. One day, the school was closed and I decided to take you to Chucky Cheeses. When we arrived it was not to open for another hour, so we went to the grocery store next door. I put the two of you in the cart. Co, you were sitting and Ca , you were kind of standing. You did not understand, Ca, why we did not go into Chucky Cheeses right away. We went to the vegetable and fruit aisles first.We went by the apples where I put some in a bag and you threw 2. Edna caught them.<br />
Next, I bought a grapefruit for Grandpy and you managed to throw one. Edna caught that one too. This proceeded to the vegetables. It was winter, so the tomato E missed did not go splat.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-42018559911005371842010-06-09T21:49:00.000-07:002010-06-09T21:49:20.477-07:00Co , woman child of mine, be a little girl today, and play.I want you to play,too old to play,but not too old to go out and laugh with friends, flirt a little, whatever your heart desires. I have been unable to do this for you very much , if at all. Your sister needed me more.<br />
So tonight, Shakespeare is my lover. Othello. You only want my thoughts, but I am going to write a rough draft for you,beause you need some of the stress taken out of your life.<br />
You are so unlike me, but we do share a few things in common. Your room looks like the Harvard Paper chase and yet you find everything until someone decides to clean it.<br />
I can't read the writing in your notebook and it is so funny beause on one page you have arabic the next calculus, the next Shakespeare, and I cannot find anything.My notes are always the same. Our lives would be easier if we were organized, but that is not who we are.<br />
Let Mama take are of this for you, my sweet grown up little girl.<br />
One upon a time in Germany, when you were just a baby, my next door neighbour, Frau Kleinknecht and I were having a chat. She was about 30 years older than me and I was telling her that I needed to spent so much time with your sister, that I worried about you. She told me that you spend the time with the one who needs you the most. She then added, there will come a day, or days, or moments when O needs you more and you will be there for her. Hope that I am doing just that, darling.<br />
Love,<br />
MomCharlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-16671108528490045892010-05-12T08:14:00.000-07:002010-06-09T21:45:06.828-07:00For Debbie, my very best friend<em>"Un Ami(</em>Une amie)<em> peut faire n'importe quoi </em>pour<em> toi." "</em>A friend can do almost anything for you." Albert Lamorisse, The Red Balloon, 1956)<em> </em><br />
<br />
Oh, my very own (not true, you are in so many others' hearts) Funny Lady. I still have been unable to write it all down. You have always been a writer although, you have told me not. How else could you have auditioned for the <em>Music Man</em> with your own adapted song, which I am including below and gotten the part of Eulalie Mackechnne? Shinn?<br />
<em>"Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day. I've never been in a musical. I've only been in a play. I'm thinking we'll get out some barf bags. For earplugs we'll get them to pay. We'll build me a great huge costume. Come on Jack, now what do you say?"</em><br />
<i>Headstrong and AWESOME. That is you.</i><br />
You got that part,but you have always had every part in your life as a wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, sister,....,actress and my best friend. And you have always deserved an academy award in each category.<br />
For the 21 years I have known you, you have always called yourself big.<br />
Yes, you are big, in what you have given , not only to your loved ones, but to those who do not have. Every year you have made blankets, socks, for the homeless and delivered them. Every year, you have played Secret Santa to some family and you have included your children in it,so they will carry it on.<br />
As my best friend you have played many roles with me some, that were painful for you. You were the sister I never had. You took my Spanish lace which I thought was the real thing and made them into curtains for me. When I was pregnant with Carissa I craved creamed chipped beef and you made it for me.<br />
There were times when I needed a parent. You were so acidic in your comments that I really not only listened to you, but altered my course. I know when you hung up the phone, every time you would say to yourself, Why did I have to do that?' Then you would answer yourself and say, "Well , I had to do it."<br />
I was sometimes your parent too. Different style, though. Such is the stuff that only great friendships encompass. The greatest part of our friendship for me has been the phone calls we have made to each other for over twenty years. We always had something to talk about, something to share;sometimes we needed a shoulder to cry on and on... I just wish you had cried more on mine. But such is your gift.You have been the one who has praised my writing and inspired me to keep going.<br />
I will never forget, last June in Colorado, when at the hospital, while I was at your house you called and I was sobbing as I had just heard that our youngest cat had died on my bed.You rushed home to me and then took me right to your bosom in a way that only a mother, or sister an do.The maternal comfort I felt in that embrace was something I had never experienced and most likely will not ever again.<br />
If I have made you laugh three times, then, that will be three good things. I am only sorry it was not every time we talked, my beautiful redhead.<br />
I will always love you.<br />
LaurieCharlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-19991503999657722382010-04-15T17:59:00.000-07:002010-04-15T22:50:24.676-07:00When Missouri and Massachusetts get togetherA couple of years ago, I wrote a piece about this lady in Colorado, whom I became friends with in Germany and then talked with and have been talking with on the phone either every day some weeks, or at least once a week for over 20 years. I need to rewrite that piece, but through my tears, as it has to be funny, I cannot tonight.<br />
Less than a year ago, last June when she called to tell me she had just been diagnosed with cancer which in her opinion had already metastisized, I flew out to Colorado.Before I left, I told her to invite all of her friends for a birthday party. I wanted it to be a surprise, but as her husband has been deaf for a while, even though they are not old, I figured that it would not make any sense for me to yell all of this into the phone to him , as she would hear it anyway. I made the food,etc.. There was Karaoke. Her husband sang that Old El Paso love song to her.<br />
<em>Out in the west town of El Paso</em><br />
<em>I fell in love with a Mexican girl</em><br />
<em>Nightime would find me in Rosa's cantina</em><br />
<em>Music would play and</em><br />
<em>Fellina would whirl.</em><br />
(The town where they fell in love and married.)<br />
" It was the best of times and the worst of times." The worst had yet to come.<br />
Down to business the next day. Taking care of business, we set out in her orangy-bronze car. She was really going a little fast. If you know me, you know that I know a lot about some things and less than nothing about more. I said,"Debbie, you are going kind of fast. You really should have a sports car,"to which she replied, "Laurie, this is a sports car. It's a Corvette."<br />
We had an appointment at one funeral home. Everyone who worked there was dressed in nice cheerful black. We were led up to a private conference room where we found out it was bargain day at that particular chain. Oh, did she make those somber ladies laugh. We picked out the cardboard box that she will be cremated in and took care of other such details. She did not really like the setting there, but they had other affiliates in Colorado Springs. The one she picked has a view of Colorado Peak in Colorado Springs and is right next to her grandchildrens' favorite fast food restaurant, Wendys.She wants her husband to strew her ashes from that very peak.<br />
A couple of weeks later , when I called, she was crying as she thought (but it was not the case) that her best friend in Colorado was staying away from her because of the cancer. This was the friend who was going to take care of one of her wishes. I told her that I would. Debbie has never been svelte and at her memorial service she had wanted to have a royal purple dress with sequins girlishly arranged on her urn with a sign," It's me, finally a size 8."<br />
When I got off the phone, I thought to myself,<a href="mailto:#$@*&%">#$@*&%</a>, "Where am I going to find that?"<br />
So I went to all of the artsy fartsy boutiques I know, cell phone in hand, conferring with a lovely woman named Michelle from Missouri whose help I had enlisted to find this dress and whom I had met at Debbie's party in Colorado. Could not find it.<br />
Then, (this will sound stupid) I told God to tell the religious lady who does all of my hemming to tell her that I was coming a half an hour early. When I arrived, her door was open. I asked her if she could make the dress. She said,"No, but you do not need to worry. God is going to find it for you. GO to the Salvation Army. " The one in MA was closed that day. So I called Michelle and told her.She went to the one in Missouri and went right to the rack of size 8 dresses and there it was.......Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-51629179743912425602010-04-10T22:03:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:04:57.884-07:00Your father's version to Mary Poppin's song, "Stay awake"In Munchen steht ein Hofbrauhaus. Eins, zwei"Constanza, oder "Eins, zwei,"<br />
Carica.<br />
You were strapped to his chest. He walked and rocked you to sleep sometimes at night with this same song. How boring. You both loved it.<br />
"Nach Hause, nach Hause gehen wir nicht. Nein, nein, das tun wir nicht. Nach Hause gehen wir nicht."<br />
A drinking song transformed into a lullaby.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-5761197864387320572010-04-10T08:27:00.000-07:002010-04-12T17:13:39.366-07:00The second time. Grandpa, that year in which I was alone without my husband, I felt your presence every day in the passenger seat of my car. When G came only for two weeks, we went to Ogunquit, Maine. One night, we ordered take out food from a seafood restaurant, ( Billy's Chowder House, Wells, Maine) I went to get the food and left the kids with G.Upon arrival at the counter, an unknown waitress immediately said, "Bart...." (my last name) She had my food ready and the other unknown waitress looked at her in astonishment and said, "How did you know?" The first one replied, "I do not know."<br />
Back in my car I turned on the ignition and heard Billy Joel, "Part of me will always be part of you as lullabies go on and on. They never die."Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-68377155603015462462010-04-10T08:09:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:08:25.672-07:00Heartbeat to heartbeats" See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah, 49:16)<br />
It is not an anniversary. You are all with me today, as you are with me everyday, my unborn children, James, Rosalie, and Anthony. I have 29 years of unsent birthday cards and you are all on my Christmas tree every year. Some day, not too long from today, I will cradle you in my arms like it should have been.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-20440323137047713302010-04-07T18:05:00.000-07:002010-04-12T13:08:29.525-07:00"Co, You are my very own, Co."Upset,( Never with you, my always smiling, pretty, sometimes toothless lady in the backseat) I did something I never should have done. I left you for two minutes in the locked car to go inside and pay for the gas.You were not even two years old.When I came back to the car, you were talking to someone.I asked you who you were talking to, and you said, "Your grandfather." I asked you, "What did he say to you.?" You replied,"Mommy, he said that you are his very own, Laurie."<br />
My grandfather was the only one in my life who ever called me that and he had been dead for just a few years.<br />
Going back........<br />
My grandfather grew up in Harlem, New York, the son of recent German immigrants.To this day we do not know if his father changed his last name to avoid the stigma that came with , Germans, during that era, or if he changed his name to hide that he was Jewish.If so, I guess we have embraced a religion that might not have been ours to be.<br />
My grandfather always told me that no one is better than you and you are no better than anyone else.As a youth he got into fights with African- Americans and the following story was always told among men. He did not know that women, even girls, have their own ways to listen.In one fight his private parts were kind of sliced. He carried them to the hospital. He must have really wanted to have my mother. So, he did, with a little help from my grandmother.<br />
<br />
When I was teaching Spanish, my grandfather, Charlie, enrolled at a college to take Spanish at the age of 75 for me.No matter how far away I lived from him, I would always make the trip to spend at least an hour with him.He was an uplifting man who broke into song without embarassment at the spur of the moment.<br />
Fatherless at the age of 12, he quit school to support his younger siblings, and put them through college.He was that old-fashioned kind of a gentleman who took us to movies as children and always loved me even when I was in deep scrapes.Uneducated formally, he read everything he could get his hands on and always did the crossword puzzle to keep on learning.<br />
When I got married and moved to Germany, I missed our visits, so we would write to each other, in that old endearing way of communication. When I came back, he was in a nursing home where I would visit during the year that my husband had to stay behind in Germany.<br />
He was not doing well the week that I had to leave for two weeks to take Ca to Vermont with my saint of a mother for auditory training for Autism. I told him that I would be gone for exactly two weeks.<br />
She did start to talk. Echolalia.It appeared that her painful hearing was gone.<br />
Going back....<br />
Ca , in Germany could not stand the sound of the toilet flushing, the sizzling of bacon in the frying pan, the hairdryer, the voices of some people, the vaccum cleaner, the blender.....I could not leave our tiny apartment just to go to the bakery without her hearing the key turn in the lock and then she would come running. She would cover her ears five minutes before a plane flew over our heads.She could hear thunder storms three towns away and tell me that they were coming in her own way. All of the things that I could stop I did, after she was diagnosed. That diagnosis in Germany was based mainly on overhearing. We stopped going outside. The pizza man who delivered even went to McDonald's for me and brought it home. Some kids with Autism are either rigid in their eating habits or may have a strong tastebud.<br />
In the house for days, without going to our favorite parks, we all went crazy. Out of love, I tried to shield her from the world. That was the advice from the German Doctor. I am fortunate enough to have a brother who is also a Doctor and a fine one. He called me and said,"Get the hell out of the house."<br />
Best advice I ever got. I could not shield her from the world. I had to teach her how to live in it. ( I love my brother, Rick)<br />
To this day, I do not know if the auditory training worked. It was most likely all of the hard work with ABA, all of the summers that we missed, not even going to the pool, just sitting in a drill chair. I tried to make it fun, but I know that Idid not always. If I could go back, I would do it differently.<br />
A couple of years ago, I asked her if sounds still bothered her. At that point in her life, as she wanted nothing to do with being labeled, she said ,"No,"<br />
Today she said, "Yes, I just do not show it or talk about it anymore."<br />
Back to Charlie.<br />
We came back on a Friday night from Vermont. At around 11:00 p.m. , I went to the nursing home. The nurse told me that he was dying. I sang lullabies for three hours. I turned off the lights. I would not want to die with the lights on and people watching. Still do not know if I did the right thing. Went back the next morning, early. He was dead. Got into my car and on the radio came , "Billy Joel." His words in the song are not the same ones that I remember hearing. I heard, "Goodnight, my darling, it is time for me to go. One day , you will sing one of my lullabies to your children. ( I was already doing that-" Too- ra- loo-ra-loo-ral,Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra loo-ra-loo-ra, hush, now don't you cry- That's an Irish lullaby)."<br />
Charlie's first love was an Irish girl named Molly. He took her to a carnival where they shared cotton candy. Bet he kissed her a few times too.<br />
"Part of me will always be part of you , as lullabies go on on and on, they never die."<br />
That was only the first time.Third time already said. Second time coming.....Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-15447548743544534382010-04-07T17:30:00.000-07:002010-04-08T18:59:29.897-07:00A five year old's message in art while her Mom was gone.Oh, my sweet Co. You drew this while I was gone. Not even two days. This will be posted here.<br />
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I will let the reader and the artist interpret your meaning. I know what it means to me. I also see clever embeddings amongst the hearts. At that young age , I do not know how you could draw something with so much hidden symbolism.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-50365376662040313902010-04-07T17:17:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:22:17.207-07:00I want a rose for Christmas. (For Thomas Dolan)You were both in kindergarten.I did this once. I wanted to go to an Autism conference in Florida. I did with Tony Atwood as the guest speaker which turned out to be fortuitous as he counseled me for free after you were abused in nursery school, Ca.You were not the only one, as if that matters. I only had one course in graduate psychology at that point in time. You tried to tell me without words and I will never forgive myself for taking so long to get it.They made you stand up and sit down, they covered your mouth with their hands when you spoke out. I hope not to you, but to others mustard was shoved down throats, lemon juice or vinegar sprayed into faces and so much more.<br />
You had PTSD for a year in kindergarten. I will never forget this.<br />
Years later, I worked with a child who had gone through this and never learned to speak. Her biting behavior out of fear scared everyone away. I truly knew that this was unexpressed PTSD, and not Autism.<br />
<br />
It was almost Christmas before I left and Co, I knew exactly what you wanted in some respects.<br />
Ca, You asked only for a rose from Santa. I was so afraid that the plane would crash or something and that you would not have that fresh rose on X-mas morning that I told several people to get one in case I did not come back.<br />
Christmas morning came and Santa had stored the rose in the refrigerator in the garage.<br />
Oh, you looked at the presents and said," Where is Rose?" And then I figured out that Rose was a doll in a catalogue. It was kind of too late, until your Grammy called Tom.<br />
Tom, you were going through World War III, at that point with cancer. You made the effort to get well enough to call Ca. You were her Santa that year. I answered the phone and you had nothing to do with me.You just wanted Ca. You told her that Rose had been in your sleigh and had fallen out of it in Africa and would be delivered as soon as Prancer recovered from his sprained ankle, Dasher recuperated from his sore back,and Rudolph's nose could shine again after his cold went away.<br />
True to your word, Rose appeared one sunny afternoon next to the fireplace.( This was 14 years ago.) Forever blessings from mine to yours.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-74282295419458379722010-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:28:22.738-07:00AmericaOne day, you will find yourself on a plane.No matter how much you have taken another culture into your heart,and left it there to return again, you will hear a captain of a plane say, Ladies and Gentlemen: " Welcome to the United States of America," and then you will be home.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-8106283920776620802010-04-04T16:29:00.000-07:002010-04-08T19:06:56.474-07:00The umbilical cord which even cut remains and a few other things.Walking down a sidewalk in Ossweil, a suburb of Ludwigsburg, pregnant and with our one something year old, I said to you, "G, she is going to bolt across the road to Penny Markt for kinderschocolade." You said, " No, she will not."<br />
She did- right into traffic and I got her.There is something about the bond created with that umbilical cord.As a father you developed and maintained just as deep of a bond, if not deeper ones.Still,.... there are subtle differences.<br />
<br />
Having one sip of coffee, bars on windows, like a jail to prevent a four year old without words from escaping into the world where she belongs.... What a fire hazard! She figured out the childproof thing on the door to the garage and was gone in 2 seconds.We both ran out the door and were about to each go in different directions, again leaving our baby to fend for herself, as is what happens to most siblings of special children. The oldest still unable to respond to her own name, by saying, "Yes, or What." Something within me gravitated to my car, where we found her locked inside the trunk.<br />
<br />
<br />
Two toddlers in tow. Going to see horses and geese. Never arrived to the geese. We went to the barn , as the horses were not out. The barn for the horses owned by a Doctor, at that time in my parent's neighbourhood, was guarded by dogs. I did not know that they had been formerly abused dogs. Ca went straight for the barn to see the horses and at that point she did not understand a word. Right before the moment when those dogs were about to rip her apart , I grabbed her winter coat and pulled her back to me.<br />
<br />
Not a beach day in Ogunquit, Maine. Went to the zoo in York. Split up, you with Co and me with Ca. (Wonder if these are elements in chemistry.) The sun came out and it was soo.... hot.In front of an alligator cage with water, she started to climb. I said, "No." She responded with, " Paper." Ungeneralized version of the word, no, learned from "No," being said to not trying to be Picasso on every wall in our house. In those days we did not need to make time for running, nor the gym. It was just every moment of all of our days. Even though the barrier was made out of glass, she managed to climb halfwayup it. All she wanted was water......Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-15916054846002045282010-03-31T17:44:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:35:33.247-07:00To my very own AmapolitaTo my baby, who had to grow up too soon. I'll never recapture those years and in a few months you will be off.<br />
C0, you were a dream in my mind. I did not beg God for you. I just asked him/her to bring about whatever he/she thought best. And God brought you to me, so you became a gift representing so many beautiful things, the most of which are faith, trust,wit and constancy.<br />
I was even lucky enough to know, really know the exact moment you were conceived.That was between me and God and now I share it with you. It was Thanksgiving night in Germany in 1991.Never thought of that double entendre before, but now I am. And oh... I am giving my thanks.<br />
On Christmas Eve, I started to bleed. I knew I was pregnant,but had not yet gone to the Doctor, so I went to the hospital.<br />
I cannot remember her name, but she told me. "Laurie, you should have come sooner. You are one of ours."<br />
She could not find your heartbeat, but I knew that your silent heart beating so softly, but steadily next to mine was a private, proud and courageous one. I stopped in a parking lot on the way home and had such a long talk with you.I had wisdom when you were only five weeks inside my womb. As one gets older, one is supposed to acquire more wisdom. I guess I have always done things backward.<br />
I made an appointment with the ChefArzt and went home. When I went to see him he told me in German that he did not think that I was pregnant. I told him right back in German,"Ich bin Swanger!" Of course, maybe that one time I was right and that is exactly where you get your stubborness from.<br />
Later on when I had an ultrasound, I was lucky enough once again to get an intern who told me that there was something wrong with your head. I told him that maybe he had never seen a beautiful head before, nor the head of a genius waiting to be born. I was right again. You are so beautiful and so smart. Is that why we always get the same waiter in every restaurant we go to,and in Arabic, which only you speak, or German, or French,or Spanish, those waiters address you as beautiful lady more than once in one night?<br />
Your Dad named you with memories, I think on one of our traveling jaunts spent at the Bodensee, a lake on the Rhine belonging to three countries; Austria, Germany and Switzerland, at the northern foot of the alps.<br />
Glad we never skied there. I had enough to keep up with with your sister behind me, turning around and talking to the instructor, just missing trees and you racing down mountains without one snowplow maneuver whatever and me stuck in the middle not knowing what to do or where or whom to go to first.<br />
A similar thing happened in Maine when we were back in the United States. This time I was not stuck in the middle. We went kayaking on the ocean for the first time having had a short lesson before we took off. You and your sister were around nine years old then. The instructor told us what to do if we capsized as the kayak would be upside down and we'd have to get ourselves out. I got very nervous as I was thinking that your sister might not understand the word capsize, maybe thinking a cap for your head and size like the size of your feet.The instructor noticed that I was nervous and said quite nicely, ( I am being sarcastic)"Lady, do you want to bail?"Of course I said no.You got in yours first and then your sister and finally me. You both took off. I was so nervous that I shook so much that my kayak started tipping. That made me even more nervous, as I kept thinking how would I save both of you if I could not even save myself? My kayak was really rocking now. You were already a mile ahead and your sister was not far behind. So I just started to think of other things and was able to start moving. The rocking stopped. The instructor's father was right behind me. I was just starting to enjoy myself when he paddled over to me and said,"Are you a nervous person?" My kayak started tipping again until I made him laugh by telling him, "Yes, that is why I am getting my second Master's in Counseling Psychology." (the truth) He remained glued to me and it really began to irritate me.He probably did not want his son to get sued for someone drowning on his watch. I just wanted to be free. I let you guys go that day or someone else did.I still could not help myself sometimes from sticking like glue to you, just the way he did to me, but I have tried.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-14671916098079252122010-03-31T14:51:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:40:36.389-07:00The moral of this story should have been, "Keep your clothes on at all times, but I did not learn it.Have you ever had that dream that you went to work naked? I do not have that dream anymore because I lived it several times.<br />
<br />
<br />
1994-1995<br />
<br />
Back in the U.S. living with my parents.Husband and all belongings, toys, etc. still in Germany.<br />
Germany had no solutions for Autism, so I came home. The United States did not know that much either.<br />
Two babies and I still had not learned ABA nor how to teach the first one to talk. Nonetheless, regardless of having one child who did not understand the word, "No," I wanted everything for my babies. At one and 2 years old , I took them to the Y for swimming lessons. I hired the boy next door to help me and they had a private teacher.<br />
I forgot to think about the locker room. Like any good mother, after the pool, they were freezing, so I got them dressed first. As soon as I took my wet bathing suit off, Ca bolted out of the locker room which led to a basketball court in the middle of a high school game with doors that led to the parking lot.<br />
She could have been hit by a car in seconds. I had no choice. Out I went into the middle of the high school game stark naked to bring her back to the locker room.An old lady ran after to help me. At least she had underwear on. When we got back to the locker room, even though Ca probably did not understand, she sternly said to her, "You let your mother get dressed." Then she looked at me and said, "I am going to pray for you." The next day we were thrown out of the Y.Later, we also got thrown out of a Doctor's Office(for me, really sick) and a Church.The last two were out of pure ignorance when nothing really happened, as well as the first for that matter.<br />
It never happened there again, but it did happen in different scenarios with Ca at least 4 more times.<br />
Fourteen years later as an Autism Specialist, I was setting up a program for a 6 year old boy.One afternoon, after I had been unable to see him for a few days, I met him at his special bus.He was so happy to see me that he jumped off the bus right into my waiting arms and managed to pull down my skirt. I held on to him with one hand, pulled up my skirt with the other and introduced myself to the male busdriver.<br />
The next time, I did not wear a skirt. He got off the bus, jumped into my waiting arms again and managed to unbutton my blouse.I never wore skirts or things that could be unbuttoned when I took him off the bus again.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-90272638405936733142010-03-30T18:34:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:54:06.545-07:00Ficken ist lieben und lieben ist ficken.That was 1989 in Berlin. We went to Charlie's Checkpoint and on to East Berlin. The cars - I cannot describe. They looked so fragile. The windows of all of the grocery markets showed bare shelfs. We went to a high class restaurant there where we were served a teaspoon of each thing on a plate.<br />
Back to Charlie's checkpoint- and I so wanted to keep the ticket which said East Berlin for my students, so I tried to lie and said I had lost it to an old guard who had probably shot and killed so many trying to go over the wall. Did not get away with it<br />
.Back on the west side of the wall, we spent hours helping everyone to knock down that wall.<br />
It was Christmas Eve. The Weihnachtsmaerkte were still open. We went to one. Everyone was frantic in a western way buying last minute Xmas presents. Being so far away from everyone, we had mailed ours in October. (That was when we were somewhat organized, before children.) An old woman was walking and talking to herself and kept repeating the same thing, over and over again, which made everyone laugh. She kept saying," Ficken ist Lieben und Lieben ist Ficken." She made everyone stop. They all forgot about their last minute shopping, for at least a little while. Was she an angel or was she an escaped mental patient?<br />
We ended up at a Russian restaurant for an early dinner, Borscht and Bread.<br />
Then we went back to our one star hotel room in Berlin, where you clicked on the lights to have them turn on, the mattress that drew us together, as if we would not have done that by ourselves and the constant traffic of the prostitutes who came and went.<br />
Christmas dinner- made by my brother-in-law's first wife, Manuela. Black roasted duck is all I remember. At least , she had burned away all the fat. I do not even remember what else she served. All I remember is that ugly dead duck that I never would have wanted to be killed. She was a love. She was his first wife. He has been a loyal Uncle to my children throughout the years. I love him for that and I love him as a person. Second wife- Solveig- gone. She was lovely too. On his way to his third, Marion. I adore her. Peter, "Marry her,"!!!!Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-25887100254029045232010-03-30T15:23:00.000-07:002010-04-12T15:20:52.235-07:00Ca, I remember Papi coming to the hospital and saying two things. Of course, he said more. It was the summer of the Olympics in Barcelona. Before you were born we had spent two weeks there an hour away, in La Escala in a villa with black gates on windows and doors to let the cool ocean breeze in.They spoke Catalan there which I could understand because of my Spanish and French. Instead of driving on an autobahn in Germany, having to go to the left for one moment and having a Mercedes come right behind me with lights and a horn blaring going 180 kilometers an hour which always made me jump, I found that whenever anyone there saw my German license plates they got the heck out of the way.In a mischievous way, I was kind of happy, not for the others on the road, but for the Karma which came back to me, even though I did not behave the way the "Mercedes" did.It was the German way then to get their frustrations out on the autobahn. In my life I have probably sped, actually did, but I really do not understand it. There is an old Spanish poem which I will cite later. It begins with, "Como era, Dios Mio, Como era? Era como el pasaje de la brisa?(Still minus accent marks.) ( Still do not know how to do upside down question marks on the computer.) It is about how fast life goes by. So why do people speed and try to make life go by faster?<br />
One day , when Papi came to the hospital, you were awake and he held you in his arms and asked you in Spanish," Que vas a ser? Una campeonata de beber leche? (spelling things wrong- just a draft) You father was not destined to go the Olympics. He failed swimming, so he was not on the list.<br />
The parents of my roommate visited and remarked to their daughter about all three of us, just two words, "Spat gluck" (minus the umlaut which you will have to teach me how to do.)Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-50330931764304050772010-03-30T15:15:00.000-07:002010-04-12T15:21:53.159-07:00Some travel vignettes, after, "Still in Ludwigsburg." (Nothing in order)Three years of a honeymoon. How lucky we were. Travelled every chance we got. In 1989 for Christmas, we went to Berlin , where you grew up, where your educated mother was a Truemmerfrau- Rubble lady, picking up the stuff destroyed by the war. We went to your old apartment which you grew up in still without absolutely any amenities.<br />
We visited your brother, conceived in a potato cart drawn by Russians, which you still remember, G. Tu madre was raped by one of the Russian soldiers. He still does not know it. After he was born, you were asked to go get milk at the age of five and had to dodge American airplanes trying to bomb you.<br />
When things got a little back to normal, you were all still poor. Three children.<br />
Two of you were Karl's and P has an unknown Russian father.Pilar did not have any money. Doing the best she could, she made a dish with peas, kartofflen and basically pure fat with very thin pieces of meat. You would not eat it. She took a frying pan to your head, but I doubt she really did it. She just wanted you to eat.You brushed your teeth with apples from a farmer's orchard.To this day , you do not have any cavities or fillings.<br />
Soccer was your life as a boy. Your friends and you played next to a farmer's<br />
garden. When the ball went over the fence , one of you climbed it and somehow wrecked his garden a little. He kept the ball. As little boys, you were all mad, so you took out your jackknifes, cut around the top of his pumpkins destined for the vegetable market, did number two inside and then closed the cover.<br />
When you were much older, Pilar asked you to go get some bread at noon. You came back three days later. I hope that time she really took out the frying pan.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-84496167339234869542010-03-29T19:01:00.000-07:002010-03-30T13:59:53.095-07:00At that time your father worked for the German government. I did not give a thought to what I might be doing to his job. I was furious. I told that poor government official that I was an American and that I had the right to name my child whatever I wanted to. Hormones, I hope. Unforgiveable, in my eyes, I asked him something like, "Does Hitler still rule here?" Never should have done that as young Germans have absolutely no guilt for what happened when Hitler reigned. Got my way. Maybe they even changed their name book. Of all things.<br />
Just wish I had done what I needed to do in a kinder way.<br />
You slept and slept and slept.I would always try to wake you up, by softly saying, "It is time to make the doughnuts." The first night when I brought you back to the nursery which was also a written law, which I disobeyed the second time around, you lifted up your head at two days old to see the world.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-69555247280450644952010-03-29T18:42:00.000-07:002010-04-11T18:02:51.425-07:00SchwangerCannot remember where I am. Will go back. I had an appointment with the ChefArzt once a month when I was pregnant with you. One day, he was not there and I got a male intern who either had been up for 72 hours or just never got it. In German, he looked at my chart and said, "Oh my God, red. That means something bad." And then, he said, "You have cancer." I had not known that, but we beat it together, you and me.<br />
I went about my business and planted flowers and vegetables before you were born and tended to all three of my gardens. You were born two weeks later than my due date. With you I was a dutiful German. I followed all the rules except for some. When the government called your Papi ( among one) and said that number one, your name was not in their book of names I exploded. They only had a first name with a different spelling and they would not allow me to give you the middle name that We wanted to. It is the last name of your great-aunt and uncle without whom you never would have been born.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-43570347800289193082010-03-29T14:51:00.000-07:002010-03-31T19:57:03.216-07:00To our first miracle baby,<br />
For years, before I even married Papi, but knew that I would, your name was a thought that the sun or the wind (masculine in most languages, meaning, Papi) might help me give life to.I had your name already picked out, minus the h from the Greek. One meaning is graceful because I wanted you to be some things that I was not and am still not.<br />
My Senior year in college, I had 5 gym classes to pass before I could graduate. Tennis, swimming, weightlifting- 2 classes were easy.Ballet- I just could not do. There was always a different instructor who took attendance facing us and then turned her back so that we could imitate her steps. As soon as she turned around I danced out of the room and left. Passed the course.<br />
August, 1990: Krankenshwester, Frau Schmidt to ChefArzt, Profesor Heller, " Frau Bartholomae ist Swanger."<br />
Before I knew that I was carrying you, I worked for a Catholic Monastery translating missionary journals from English to Spanish, or English to Portuguese and vice versa. Every midday, we would have brown paper bag lunches together and say a prayer. I was not raised Catholic and always worried that I was doing, "In the name of the ....." backwards because that was the way I saw it and you know my eyesight. I do not think my fears were ever realized, however, I did much worse teaching in a Catholic school when I read three beautiful sentences from the Koran.It was from the attic of your great-grandfather, great- great grandfather and great- great- great grandfather, <em>Library of the World's Best Literature, 1893.</em> I thought the principal was going to chop off my head with all the phone calls she got from angry parents. <br />
I quit when I knew I was pregnant with you because I had read that radiation from computers was not good for pregnant women.<br />
Early on, your father and I managed to put together a crib for you, which you basically ended up not using. You always slept with us, except for an occasional nap.In the beginning, you slept right on my chest.<br />
Being pregnant with you was nonstop nausea ( meaning a healthy baby) and cravings for American food which was not available in Germany. The PX from the Department of Defense was now closed for me. Every morning on my 2 minute walk to the bakery I had to pass a stinky sewer where I always threw up on the way and on the way back<br />
I do not remember which month I sat on your Papi's lap, but I do remember that he called me a Tank, in a nice way, if there is a nice way to say that.<br />
I spent my days with wives from the American army in Germany. One was an officer's wife and she was pregnant too.The other was not, and she is still my best friend, going on more than 20 years. That is a separate story.<br />
Jane and I kept each other company and told each other what foods were good for each month of pregnancy, like jello for fingernails.<br />
I lost her phone number. Evidently, she lost mine too. Her husband, B. was deployed to the Gulf War in 1990 before it started. There is a satellite program for those in the service called the Armed Forces Network, (AFN). One day in early 1991 the TV went black in her barracks. She became hysterical, as she knew that was a sign that the war had begun.There was really no way to comfort her, except to be there.<br />
The contents of her refrigerator made it seem like a magical one, all of the things that I craved, but could not get on the German economy like miracle whip,slices of Turkey, pickles, saltines, and I cannot remember what else. One day we must have eaten 4 cucumbers each dipped in vinegar.<br />
Early on in my pregnancy I was still going to the gym. When you end up driving in Europe, as I feel that you will, you will know that it is so crowded there and so hard to find a parking place. I waited for one and one half hours for one. A man in a Mercedes was about to pull in to the parking space I had been waiting for. Before he did, I told him,"Es wird ihnen leid tuen." (Probably spelled wrong, fix it later.) Basically,( "You will be sorry.") When I found a parking space I got out of my car and pretended to keep dropping everything out of my pocketbook so I could let all of the air out of one of his tires without being noticed. I made sure it was good and flat so that he would be safe.I just wanted to let him know that it is rude to do that to anyone, and much more so when a man does it to a woman. God always pays me back right away for my sins. I went to ride the stationary bike with a good book. I did not know that the clock in the gym and the timer on the bike were both broken- stopped in time. I was on that bike for three hours.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4601425780178647635.post-63916837226495300222010-03-28T12:42:00.000-07:002010-04-11T18:09:42.499-07:00Still in Ludwigsburg.Three days later and I might have forgotten to mention that it was February, your key did not click in the lock at exactly 5:00 p.m.. At 6, I started to worry. At 7, I called all of your friends. They did not know where you where. Then I called all of the hospitals. Nothing. There was a light snowfall that night, not even an inch. How was I to know that that was all it took to break down all of the trains. At 10, I took all of the heavy furniture and barricaded the door, right after I wrote you this note, (taped to the outside of the door)" Do not come in unless you are dead!!!<br />
<br />
You continued to take the train, but you bought me a car and I landed a job with the Department of Defense Schools. I could not have gotten there with a train. The first complaint from the second floor was, "Frau Bartholomae, When you take a bath at five in the morning, you wake up my daughters." I had to be at work by 6.I tried to find some other way to get ready for work. It was not until later that I figured out that this family only took baths every Friday night.I can still hear that water running every Friday night, after we moved to the first floor when Herr Heidelburger died, in the same way that when sleeping and awoken by a train calling I get the shivers, because that is how my great-grandfather died, struck by a train. What is it about this bond we have with relatives we never even knew? And Europeans value water. We had to buy it for drinking. It was expensive. However, my baths were not given up.<br />
Spring came in 1988 and every spring after. We would get up early on Sunday mornings and ride our bikes to the Pattonville,to the American golf club for breakfast. Then we would ride back to Ludwigsburg, go through the small villages and down hills with empty meadows to be filled with wild poppies come summer. We'd then switch to a route only for bikes along the Neckar River with about one kilometer with a nauseating stench coming from a plant which recycled toilet water and made it into drinking water. We'd stop at our favorite gas stations every 10 kilometers for a<em> Schorle</em> and sometimes we'd split a fattening<em> Shweizer Wurstsalt</em> and crusty bread. Back to the bottom of the first hill by 2:00 p.m., where we would collapse on the green grass of Ludwigsburg's <em>Freibad </em>and swim a little. Lazy Sundays always led us back up that steep, winding, never-ending hill to home. On the way back, there was one meadow where Gypsies with Mercedes and trailers came every year to camp out.I wish I had dared to stop and chat with them around their fires with that aromatic, mouth watering, spicy smell of something always cooking and mostly tended to by children.<br />
Home brought us to a king-sized bed with German down feather beds and a dream of having children which did not get fulfilled for three years.It was not for lack of trying.Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15666891533734565380noreply@blogger.com0