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Ca to me, July 26, 2010- "Mom, Would you please stop repeating yourself? You are becoming Autistic."

We like..... .

You might not remember and you might not know how much, younger brother, you have meant to me. The reader will capture it with just one moment in time.
Summer, 1998, Oceanside, California
My kids fell asleep, you did not have any yet. You invited the neighbours over. After they left and J and G  fell asleep, you and I talked and talked and had enough to drink to fill 2 oceans. The hangover the next morning on our way to Mexico was the worst I ever had.
I asked you one question," If anything happens to  us, will you and J take care of Ca  and Co?"
At that point in time because of rigidity issues, Ca only ate pizza. You responded with three words.
"We like pizza."

"As it was in the beginning it is in the end."

Co, Today on July 7, 2010, you coaxed me into the ocean, my favorite place. I remember holding both you and your sister in my arms while the waves crashed in Maine.  Neither of you ever wanted to come out.I remember teaching you how to body surf with boogy boards and then without.  Your Uncle Scott taught you how to dive into the waves that were going to crash on you in California. He also swooped both of you up when a dangerous wave came that could have carried you out.
Today you said," I am going in. Are you?" So I went.Being seriously ill , I am not afraid with you, you lifeguard. You taught me all over again how to dive into the waves that were going to crash. I had forgotten and you know why. We swam far out. I asked you, " Co, Why are there warm spots here?" You replied, "What do you think I am ,a science nurd?" Then you said, "I can stand here." You had said that to me two years before. You are taller than I am. I tried and failed. You laughed at my naivete. Then you said, "I can drown," It was so funny. Do you remember?
Do you remember the night of July 4th when your Dad and sister were asleep and you and I went to watch the  fireworks in Ogunuquit? How old were you? I left my keys someplace in the sand as we moved closer to see the fireworks. How you ended up finding them, I will never know. Do you remember the night at the Cliff House when you and I were the only ones awake and we sat on the balcony and watched the fireflies?
Years ago, when we actually had 2 whole weeks in Maine, it rained almost every day. When it was finally almost sunny we looked for starfish. We could not find any. You were desolate. I told you that before we left we would find  a starfish. And we did. You lost your shoe when we crossed the river to where the starfish rolled in. You were so upset about losing things. Please read my entry on  my experience with things.
July 7, 2010- " You know, Co, I have not ridden a wave in in such a long time."  So we tried and failed and I said," I think we are going to have to wait until August to catch that wave." We'll catch it today, Mom," you replied. So we did, and we rode that wave all the way back to Massachusetts.

"Mommy, I'm hot and thirsty and I might like a swim."

Ogunquit, Maine has always been our favorite beach. When you were litttle we did more than surf, swim, ride the waves in, go crabbing, watch the starfish roll in at low tide, clam, and go for long walks. One day when Ca, you were three and Co , you were two, we went to the York Zoo. Dad took you, Co, and Ca, I took you.
It had been raining, but then it turned into a really hot muggy day. We had been walking for about 45 minutes. We came upon the crocodile cage.He had a nice pool to swim in and it was not chorinated so it would have been good to drink too.Ca, you were a climber. You could climb anything. The crocodile's cage was made out of glass. I turned my head for one second and you were halfway up it.You did not underdtand the word, "no," yet and you definitely did not understand danger. Since you were able to retrace your steps and find anywhere from the age of one, I got you down, picked you up , was lucky enough to find Papi and your sister and ran all the way to the car.

" Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Shakespeare

I am Mad!!!
When we first moved to the Un ited Sates into Grammy's house, your grandparents hired  a nanny for me after 6 months when I went to nursery school with you, Ca, and had to heartwrenchingly leave you behind, Co. E came at around 8 and left a little bit after lunch. One day, the school was closed and I decided to take you to Chucky Cheeses. When we arrived it was not to open for another hour, so we went to the grocery store next door. I put the two of you in the cart. Co, you were sitting and Ca , you were kind of standing. You did not understand, Ca, why we did not go into Chucky Cheeses right away. We went to the vegetable and fruit aisles first.We went by the apples where I put some in a bag and you threw 2. Edna caught them.
Next, I bought a grapefruit for Grandpy and you managed to throw one. Edna caught that one too. This proceeded to the vegetables. It was winter, so the tomato E missed did not go splat.

Co , woman child of mine, be a little girl today, and play.

I want you to play,too old to play,but not too old to go out and laugh with friends, flirt a little, whatever your heart desires. I have been unable to do this for you very much , if at all. Your sister needed me more.
So tonight, Shakespeare is my lover. Othello. You only want my thoughts, but I am going to write a rough draft for you,beause you need some of the stress taken out of your life.
You are so unlike me, but we do share a few things in common. Your room looks like the Harvard Paper chase and yet you find everything until someone decides to clean it.
I can't read the writing in your notebook and it is so funny beause on one page you have arabic the next calculus, the next Shakespeare, and I cannot find anything.My notes are always the same. Our lives would be easier if we were organized, but that is not who we are.
Let Mama take are of this for you, my sweet grown up little girl.
One upon a time in Germany, when you were just a baby, my next door neighbour, Frau Kleinknecht and I were having a chat. She was about 30 years older than me and I was telling her that I needed to spent so much time with your sister, that I worried about you. She told me that you spend the time with the one who needs you the most. She then added, there will come a day, or days, or moments when O needs you more and you will be there for her. Hope that I am doing just that, darling.

For Debbie, my very best friend

"Un Ami(Une amie) peut faire n'importe quoi pour toi." "A friend can do almost anything for you."  Albert Lamorisse, The Red Balloon, 1956) 

Oh, my very own (not true, you are in so many others' hearts) Funny Lady. I still have been unable to write it all down. You have always been a writer although, you have told me not. How else could you have auditioned for the Music Man with your own adapted song, which I am including below and gotten the part of Eulalie  Mackechnne? Shinn?
"Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day. I've never been in a musical. I've only been in a play. I'm thinking we'll get out some barf bags. For earplugs we'll get them to pay. We'll build me a great huge costume. Come on Jack, now what do you say?"
Headstrong and AWESOME. That is you.
You got that part,but you have always had every part in your life as a wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, sister,....,actress and my best friend. And you have always deserved an academy award in each category.
For the 21 years I have known you, you have always called yourself big.
Yes, you are big, in what you have given , not only to your loved ones, but to those who do not have. Every year you have made blankets, socks, for the homeless and delivered them. Every year, you have played Secret Santa to some family and you have included your children in it,so they will carry it on.
As my best friend you have played many roles with me some, that were painful for you. You were the sister I never had. You took my Spanish lace which I thought was the real thing and made them into curtains for me. When I was pregnant with Carissa I craved creamed chipped beef and you made it for me.
There were times when I needed a parent. You were so acidic in your comments that I really not only listened to you, but altered my course. I know when you hung up the phone, every time you would say to yourself, Why did I have to do that?' Then you would answer yourself and say, "Well , I had to do it."
I was sometimes your parent too. Different style, though. Such is the stuff that only great friendships encompass. The greatest part of our friendship for me  has been the phone calls we have made to each other for over twenty years. We always had something to talk about, something to share;sometimes we needed a shoulder to cry on and on... I just wish you had cried more on mine. But such is your gift.You have been the one who has praised my writing and inspired me to keep going.
 I will never forget, last June in Colorado, when at the hospital, while I was at your house you called and I was sobbing as I had just heard that our youngest cat had died on my bed.You rushed home to me and then took me right to your bosom in a way that only a mother, or sister an do.The maternal comfort I felt in that embrace was something I had never experienced and most likely will not ever again.
If I have made you laugh three times, then, that will be three good things. I am only sorry it was not every time we talked, my beautiful redhead.
I will always love you.